Everyone’s yakking to me about the fact that I need to lose weight. I’ve given it much thought and I have come to a decision. Here are reasons why I shouldn’t.
1) It would be a lose-lose situation. I lose weight and you lose your B.F.F – Buffet Feast Friend. Don’t think that your anorexic model friends would readily agree to pig out at buffets like I do.
2) I would have to deal with unsightly stretch marks, which were never a cause for concern before. My skin will also begin to sag. I will then have to dole out money to go for plastic surgeries. It is all very cumbersome.
3) Food vendors would start downsizing my portion because they assume, based on my new tiny frame, that I’m incapable of a huge appetite. It doesn’t make economic sense. Why would I want to pay $12 for an entree that doesn’t even make me full? Don’t blame me when I start nipping at your food.
4) I would have to spend money on a brand new wardrobe. The new clothes that I buy cannot double up as my comfortable and airy pajamas.
5) Without an over-sized punching bag for sardonic fat punchlines, you won’t feel better about yourself anymore. Face it, without someone to make fun of, your self-esteem will be at an all-time low.
6) You would have to find a substitute for a new Santa Claus. Good luck trying to find someone willing to put on a suffocating fat suit and a silly beard. Me? I just need to slip into a fully red ensemble and I will have children flocking to me on Christmas Day.
7) You lose a human shield. What? Would you trust your scrawny friends to take a bullet for you and survive the complications of a gunshot wound? Those boys are weak. When a bullet penetrates my body, it is lodged in my trusty layer of fats.
8) Nutritionists, personal trainers, health article writers and the junk food industry will go bankrupt. Yes, I singlehandedly rev the economy. Do you really want a recession in your future?